Dealing With Approval Seeking Behaviour
Created By Dinaz Darukhanawala On 13 May, 2009
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Added By Dinaz Darukhanawala On May 13, 2009, 12:00 am
Country: India
A friend once told me that average looking girls are usually nice girls with a pleasing personality. It makes a lot of sense because if you are not getting attention for being pretty then you try to get attention and approval by being nice, by always trying to please the other.
I notice this behavior accelerates in the presence of people I love. When I don’t know someone I can be straight forward, but with a close friend very often I bend over backwards to please or do what the other wants to do. It’s a good thing I have been practicing yoga so the bending over backwards is usually not very painful!
One of the drawbacks of this need to please is that you sometimes forget to be your own person with likes, dislikes and needs of your own. On the whole I am more comfortable following than taking the lead. So when sometimes a close friend gets irritated with my always saying yes and asks me what I want to do, I may genuinely not care either ways what we do as long as we are spending quality time together. The problem arises when I intuitively do know what I would like to do at that moment and I still go along with the plan of the other. Even if I can rationally justify this decision in my mind after having a good time doing what the other wanted, it does leave deep, deep down a small seed of resentment. This is perfectly natural because one of reasons I respect the other’s wishes and space so much is because I place a great value on my own space.
The friendships which last and which I enjoy the most are with people who are respectful of my space and with those who try not to impose their views on me. Other people who are deemed needy and demanding are pushed away because why would I want to deal with other people’s shit when I am full of so much of my own!
Meditation helps me to a large degree to bring awareness to my needs and being able to express them. At the yoga institute, we were once having this discussion on expressing Vs. suppressing feelings. Hansaji said something very nice. If you want to express feelings then express all your feelings. Anger is a strong feeling, which has built up over time because smaller feelings like resentment, jealousy, disrespect, etc were not expressed appropriately. Why only express anger, express everything you feel in a manner which is non hurtful and at a moment when the other is receptive.
I notice this behavior accelerates in the presence of people I love. When I don’t know someone I can be straight forward, but with a close friend very often I bend over backwards to please or do what the other wants to do. It’s a good thing I have been practicing yoga so the bending over backwards is usually not very painful!
One of the drawbacks of this need to please is that you sometimes forget to be your own person with likes, dislikes and needs of your own. On the whole I am more comfortable following than taking the lead. So when sometimes a close friend gets irritated with my always saying yes and asks me what I want to do, I may genuinely not care either ways what we do as long as we are spending quality time together. The problem arises when I intuitively do know what I would like to do at that moment and I still go along with the plan of the other. Even if I can rationally justify this decision in my mind after having a good time doing what the other wanted, it does leave deep, deep down a small seed of resentment. This is perfectly natural because one of reasons I respect the other’s wishes and space so much is because I place a great value on my own space.
The friendships which last and which I enjoy the most are with people who are respectful of my space and with those who try not to impose their views on me. Other people who are deemed needy and demanding are pushed away because why would I want to deal with other people’s shit when I am full of so much of my own!
Meditation helps me to a large degree to bring awareness to my needs and being able to express them. At the yoga institute, we were once having this discussion on expressing Vs. suppressing feelings. Hansaji said something very nice. If you want to express feelings then express all your feelings. Anger is a strong feeling, which has built up over time because smaller feelings like resentment, jealousy, disrespect, etc were not expressed appropriately. Why only express anger, express everything you feel in a manner which is non hurtful and at a moment when the other is receptive.