My Experience: Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide . Get his free report on "Personal Change." You will receive by email each new article he writes.
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Today I write about happiness, entitlement, achievement and meaning. How do they all connect?

A guest came to visit a Saskatchewan farmer for the first time at his farm. As the visitor took in the expanse of billowing wheat fields that stretched out from the well-maintained family home and farm buildings, he commented to the farmer, "God has been good to you." The farmer replied with a smile, "He certainly has…but you should have seen the place when he was managing it by himself."

A big-city businessman who proposed we work together on a deal took me out for lunch to his expensive and exclusive golf club. He gleefully went on and on about how well he had done. His oft-repeated mantra was, "I don’t want it all; I just want my share." It was quickly apparent that the "share" he was entitled to was substantial.

I pulled back when I sensed his willingness to bully and cheat to get what he wanted, while staying just within the law. He became abusive to me when I did not go along with him on something.

He was late for our final meeting because some high-end ($700k and up) condominiums had gone on sale that morning for a yet-to-be-built high-rise project, and he had to wait in line for his speculative purchase. He burst in with "I grabbed three," and he went on to repeat his mantra. That was right before a major real estate correction. I never did hear how he faired.

Both the farmer and the businessman were intelligent and had achievements. Both were apparently happy. Why was the businessman so imbued with a sense of entitlement?

Let’s turn the clock back to when each of them was about 8 years old. I speculate the parents of each boy wanted their son to be happy, and each recognized their son to have good native intelligence. Both kids were optimistic, because all kids start out that way.

The parents of the future farmer had been teaching their son to develop his brainpower, work hard to overcome challenges and to stay optimistic in the face of obstacles. "My son figures out what to do when things don’t go his way and manages to stay positive."

The other parents praised their son for his obvious intelligence. He should be able to do just about anything well. "My son is a brain. He’s always successful."

When parents praise their children’s intelligence, the children tend to develop a fixed mindset about being able to do anything well, a sense of entitlement, and a right to be happy. Self esteem of children is based on a sense of entitlement. When they run into things they can’t handle, like a course that’s to hard or a job task they don’t understand, they are more prone than other children to cheat, lie or steal to avoid failure.

On the other hand, when parents encourage their children to develop their brainpower, the children’s mindset tends to be more fluid. It is up to them to learn how to get through the hard stuff and keep going.

The cult of happiness seems to be rooted in a sense of entitlement. When an economic downturn takes away what some thought they were entitled to, we hear bitter cries of blame and doom. "My right to happiness has been violated."

Those not affected by entitlement are still experiencing positive emotions, are engaged in life and find their lives to be meaningful, even though they may have to do some belt tightening. Come to think of it, that is how Dr. Martin Seligman, who pioneered modern positive psychology, defines authentic happiness.