My Experience: Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide . Get his free report on "Personal Change." You will receive by email each new article he writes. Copyright © Neill Neill. All rights reserved.
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There are many ways to end a relationship. But many troubled relationships can be turned around, especially if things have not been left simmering for too long. Rebuilding a relationship requires an intention on the part of each party to change. Focusing exclusively on the other is a recipe for failure. Witness: "You make me drink." "Your drinking is the cause of our problems."

Sadly, some relationships reach a point of no return. They are beyond being able to rebuild respect, trust, peace and love. Those marriages need to end.

 Here are five ways to end a relationship, four of them bad.

 1. With no love and a minimum of contact, live out separate lives under the same roof until one of you finally dies. For most, this is a recipe for living a very small, lonely and unfulfilling life.

 2. One party runs away. When there is abuse, sometimes moving to another province is the only way to escape and survive. Drastic, but at least the one who left is out of danger.

 Unfortunately, sometimes one person skips just to avoid his or her legal financial responsibilities, not an honorable way to end a relationship.

 The third and fourth ways involve relationships where one party wants out, but doesn’t have the moral courage to end it.

 3. He or she embarks on a program of bullying, picking fights, verbal abusing, criticizing, stonewalling and harassing until their partner feels so beat up, they leave in desperation, often empty handed. The one who is left cries righteously, "I was abandoned, so of course I get to keep the assets. I’m the victim here."

 I have seen this scenario played with such precision that neither party had much insight into what just happened.

 4. Having an affair bring things to a head. Marriage infidelity tends to do that. It is perhaps the most cowardly way, because it uses a third party in the process, a person who usually ends up getting hurt too.

 5. If you know in your heart that this relationship cannot go on in its present soul-robbing form, you have looked inside and taken action on what you could do, you have discussed your dilemma with your partner multiple times and been met with stonewalling or blame, then take action now.  

 Get legal and whatever other guidance you need. Then announce you are separating and propose a plan and immediate action steps. Be very clear you are not discussing the issue of separation, just the initial form it will take.

 Keep the discussion clean. Speak as if separated, so that you do not get into rehashing old discussions about why you are taking this action. You do not owe an ex-partner an explanation for anything, and you are not responsible for their feelings or actions. Your response to his or her reactions is, "You will do what you have to do."

 Finally, do not forget that this is an ending and you will grieve. Do not confuse your normal grief for thinking you made a mistake. It might make you crazy.