The key to healing your relationship and having it work, is you.

You can’t change the other person, but you can change how you relate to the person. When you do this, you change how the other person responds to you. This is the key to handling your situation.

Once you discover your role in a problem, you can do something about it. Unfortunately, we seldom notice that we have anything to do with what is happening. All we can see is how the other person treats us. We then treat the other person accordingly.

If we receive love and appreciation, we'll give love and appreciation. If we receive criticism and resentment, we'll give criticism and resentment. We treat the other person according to how that person treats us. The problem with this is that the other person is doing exactly the same thing. That person treats you according to how you treat him or her.

When you treat each other based on how you get treated, you lose your ability to determine what will happen. You become reactive instead of proactive. When both individuals do this, the relationship gets in trouble. It's like sailing with no one at the helm. When no one is guiding the ship, you end up on the rocks.

It's just a matter of time until someone gets upset. Then that person puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks or withdraws. Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing in return. Then the first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.

The cycle of conflict

Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict -- a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then continues on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the problem.

Sides get drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified. Distance grows and the experience of love disappears. We hurt each other over and over, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is done, and none of it is necessary.

It takes two people to create and maintain a cycle of conflict. It only takes one person to end it. The cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. As soon as one person stops playing the game, the game is over. You end the conflict by putting water on the fire instead of more fuel.

Put the focus on healing your relationship, not as husband and wife, but as one human being to another. As you do this, you end the conflict. Cooperation replaces resentment and issues get resolved quickly. You become free inside and life becomes a lot more enjoyable.

The process of healing your relationship is relatively easy once you know how. This site will walk you through the steps. As you work with the various sections and do what they say, you will notice immediate results in your relationship.

You can also read his book, How To Heal A Painful Relationship and listen to the audio set, How To Divorce As Friends - and maybe save your marriage.