My Experience: Sarah Maria is a body-image expert who helps people learn how to love their bodies and love their lives. Her book, Love Your Body, Love Your Life, will be available in November '09. She combines ancient spiritual wisdom with modern transformational techniques to help people create a body and a life that they love. Her work has been endorsed by well-known authors and spiritual teachers, including Deepak Chopra and Marci Shimoff (featured teacher in The Secret), among others, as well as by numerous physicians and psychologists. Learn more about her and her work at www.breakfreebauty.com.
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I spent this past Sunday with a new friend of mine enjoying an incredibly beautiful and sunny day in San Diego. It has been foggy here for the last two months, so the sunshine is an incredibly welcome change! I have been wondering if I brought the Northwest with me when I moved here from Seattle a couple of months ago… That being said, I have not yet mastered the appropriate “sunscreen-to-skin ratio” and unfortunately returned home with a bit more of a pink hue than I had bargained for…

As I am getting to know people and making friends in my new location, I have become very aware of what I will call the art of listening. Simply bringing your full presence and our full awareness to someone else can generate feelings of love, understanding, and empathy. It is a simple practice that yields tremendous benefits for everyone involved. This post is focused on the fact that love happens first, everything else follows. And the art of listening, to yourself and to other people, can help you experience the love that is your birthright.

For those of you interested in bite-size communication - follow my updates on Twitter: http://twitter.com/SarahMaria

With no further ado…

Love Happens First, Greatness Follows

It is becoming more and more well known that happiness is not something we achieve at some later date. Numerous studies have been done showing that people think they will be happy when they have the perfect relationship, make a certain amount of money, achieve a certain level of success, or whatever it is they desire. It has been proven, however, that these externals have very little to do, in fact, with ongoing happiness. If you win the lottery, for example, you might have a short-term surge in happiness, but within a year you are back at the same level of happiness you had before you won the lottery.

Most of us our born with a happiness set-point and external achievements won’t change it. However, there are many internal practices, such as gratitude, that can shift this set-point. As your happiness set-point shifts, your external world will begin to improve to reflect your new state of being.

Now here is the interesting thing:

Many of us play the same cognitive mind-game when it comes to love. We think that when we achieve something, then we will be loveable. That when we accomplish certain things, then we will receive the love we desire. Here is what the internal dialogue might look like:

“When I make more money, then I will be attractive (i.e. loveable)”
“When I get a better job, then I will be loveable”
“When I lose weight, then I will be attractive”
“When I look younger, then I will be deserving of affection”

Here is the reality:

Love happens first. It is not contingent on doing anything, having anything, or being anything in particular. Love is not something that you deserve; it is not based on anything external. Love is an attribute of your very being; it is an attribute, in fact, of the cosmos.

The more loved a person feels, the more likely he or she is to live a beautiful life. Love happens first, success comes second. Love happens first, achievement comes second. Love happens first, meaningful relationships come second. The most important thing is to feel loved, truly loved. Then you will feel inspired to live, inspired to love, inspired to give, inspired to be the very best you, not because you should, not because you have to, simply because you feel loved and want to make your life a living expression of this love.

Picture a small baby. You don’t love a baby because of its accomplishments. I mean, really, they are usually chubby, hairless, crying little entities that are completely helpless. They can’t do anything at all! Yet they are infinitely loveable simply because they are, simply because they exist. The more loved, nurtured, and adored a child feels, the greater her chance of accomplishing her heart’s desire. Love happens first.

So here is the question: How do you create this feeling of being loved, for yourself and for others? Life is replete with examples of not feeling loved. Maybe you suffered childhood abuse, maybe your husband left you, maybe your wife cheated on you. Maybe your best friend abandoned you.

But NOW is the time to feel the love that you deserve, and NOW is the time to share this love with others. Now is the time to discover your greatness and allow others to discover theirs.

Here is a simple technique that will yield profound results:

Practice conscious listening

Here is how it works:

When you are having a conversation with someone else, be it parent, child, partner, friend, bring your full attention to the person and the conversation. You will probably notice that your mind is constantly distracted. While you are listening to him or her, you might find yourself thinking about how you are feeling, what you need to do, what you ate for lunch, etc. This is fine - simply bring your awareness back to the other person. Set the intention to fully listen to him or her. Focus on simply being in the moment. Look into the other person’s eyes and make a commitment to simply be present and listen to what they are saying. As your mind wanders, bring it back, again and again. In this age of multi-tasking and frenetic-doing, simply listening is a beautiful gift of love that you can give.

Sometimes we need to listen not to other people but to ourselves. Many of us have a habit of ignoring our needs - whether they are physical, emotional, or spiritual. It takes practice to learn to listen to ourselves. Here is a technique you can use to give yourself the gift of listening and creating a feeling of being loved:

Find a place to sit quietly. Close your eyes and visualize someone that you respect, admire, or love. This can be a spiritual figure, a family member, or anyone else. It is often helpful to visualize a wise, loving, compassionate version of yourself to play this listening role. Visualize this person listening attentively to everything you have to say. Check in with yourself - maybe it is your body that needs to be listened to, maybe it is your heart, maybe it is the part of you that is stressed out, perhaps that part that is lonely. Allow this being whom you have visualized to be a fully attentive, compassionate listener, giving you the gift of full attention and awareness. The beautiful thing about this is that you can go here any time, anywhere.

Anytime you are wanting to feel loved, nurtured, and supported, visualize a loving being offering this unconditional love and acceptance. Numerous studies have been done showing the profound benefits of visualization on our psycho-physiology - this is definitely worth imagining!

Peace, Love, and Beauty.