If you have a relationship that isn’t working, there will always be a specific underlying condition of resisting or hanging on that is destroying the love and creating the problem.

Normally, all we see are the circumstances. He did this and she did that. This happened and that happened. All of this seems to be the problem, but it's not. The real problem is something much deeper.

Whenever a relationship isn't working, there is a destructive internal mechanism that is forcing the couple to interact in away that sabotages their relationship.

Here is how a typical underlying condition works:

Every one of us has a hurt from the past that totally runs our lives. This hurt is the childhood hurt of feeling worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, failure, or some other form of feeling “not okay.”

It’s not the truth that we are this way. It’s just an old childhood hurt. But it is a hurt that we will do almost anything to avoid feeling. This hurt, or core issue, then runs our lives.

Any circumstance that triggers this hurt is subconsciously perceived as threat. In an automatic attempt to avoid this threat, we fight, resist, hang on and withdraw. It’s the avoidance of this hurt that destroys love and sabotages the relationship.

Core issues destroy love and sabotage relationships.

Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. Notice that no matter how wonderful you are, you will never be wonderful enough to keep my hurt from being triggered. And when it gets triggered, I won’t notice that I have a nerve that is being struck. I will only notice what triggered it. YOU!

Subconsciously, I will perceive you as a threat. In an automatic attempt to avoid this threat, I put up my walls of protection and become judgmental, critical or controlling.

This then triggers your hurt. In an automatic attempt to protect yourself from me, you put up your walls of protection. You then become judgmental, critical or controlling toward me.

Then my core issue gets triggered even more. Then I become more critical of you. This strikes your core issue and you become more critical of me. Then I become more critical toward you.

Without knowing, we create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking or withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person noticing his or her role in the conflict. All we can see are the actions of the other person. We don’t notice that those actions are merely symptoms of the cycle of conflict.

Anytime you have a cycle of conflict, you have two people whose core issues are clashing. It’s this clash of core issues that creates the conflict and it’s the cycle of conflict that destroys the experience of love.

Fortunately, the process of ending the cycle of conflict is relatively easy and it only takes one person. This is because two people are needed to keep the conflict going. It’s like a tennis volley. As soon as one person stops returning the serve, the volley is over.

The cycle of conflict is the most common underlying condition, but there are more. Hanging on is another. The more someone hangs on, the more that person pushes the other person away.

Whatever the underlying condition is, it will be fueled by the automatic, subconscious avoidance of a very specific hurt. Finding and healing this hurt, or core issue, is one of the most important things you can ever do. Until you do, you will be forced to repeat the past.

Once you discover the underlying condition that sabotages your relationship you get power over your situation. Once you find and heal the hurt that fuels it, the condition disappears and the situation clears up.

To find and heal these inner core issues, schedule an individual consulting session with Bill Ferguson. You can also walk through the healing process by downloading Bill's Core Issue Healing Video.